Miracles, Martyrs, and Mafia-Hunting
by slackpracticerepeat
Summary: Contains UnDivided spoilers. 2 and a half years after the whole crusade against unwinding ends, 17 year old Lev is living something like a normal life. But apparently he's still the world's favorite punching bag, because when he attempts to enjoy a nice summer vacation in Italy with Miracolina (and her brother) they accidentally end up being hired to hunt down mafias. Yep.


Most people's story when asked how they met their significant others generally do not consist of an unwanted rescue from becoming a live organ shuttle, running away from same institution trying to help people like them, nearly getting killed multiple times, nearly killing each other, and then reuniting something like an year later when one of them's almost dead. Again.

Compared to that extravagant background, the video chat Lev Tashi'ne and Miracolina Roselli were having was pretty much what you'd expect of two young adults in a long-distance relationship.

"By the way, when's the last time you got a haircut?" the young woman of age 16 asked. "Your hair's getting almost as long as the first time I met you."

"It's shorter than back then, actually, because I can't tie it back into a full ponytail now." the boy on the other side of the screen replied.

Miracolina raised her hand with her palm up, getting the message of _What the fuck that's not even what I asked_ without actually saying it. Lev raised his eyebrows, also managing to say _Problem? _but not out loud. They then proceeded to have a staring contest across the video chat.

...Believe it or not, these two are dating. Really. For two and a half years, at least.

"Can't you at least get the bangs trimmed? It can't be good for your vision to have them in your eyes all the time," Miracolina asked again, a little bit of concern slipping through. After realizing that, she coughed, and added in a fake-irritated voice, "Some hairstyle other than that would look a lot better anyway."

Lev just cracked a smile and began, "Aww. So you do really-" but when a little ball of blazed in front of the screen and somehow began trying to choke him with its prehensile tail, the opportunity to finish that sentence flew off to Andromeda, along with his consciousness.

Said two things came back an hour later when Kele brought in Elina to get the pet kinkajou off his neck and began CPR. In the meanwhile, Miracolina watched the whole thing with a horrified expression on her face and a fuckton of cussing in Italian.

"-care about me, giving advice on hairstyle and all," was the first thing Lev said when he regained consciousness.

She slapped her hand on her forhead and turned away from the screen, making sounds of distress at the fact she was dating such an idiot.

* * *

Ten minutes later, the conversation between the two were mostly back to normal, like discussing reason behind why Mahpee, the kinkajou, choked Lev _this_ time. The two eventually had to come to the conclusion that it's because he didn't like the fruit from non-organic shops because he's a picky lil' bitch.

"By the way, wanna come to Italy with me and my brother this summer?"

"What?"

"What?"

The two had to stare at each other for a little more before Miracolina scratched her head and explained, "That was kinda outta blue. But anyway, we're going to Italy this summer, and I think I can convince him to have you tag along, if you want."

Lev's face lit up at her initial suggestion.

"Of course! I'd love to go-waitafuckinminute by your brother you mean Matteo, right," he said the last part as more of a statement than a question.

"Who else would it be, then?"

"..."

"Thought so," she replied triumphantly.

Lev lifted a hand with his index fingers out, and opened his mouth a little bit, like some cartoon character about to explain something. But suddenly he decided that apparently whatever he was about to say might be delivered better with some other body gesture.

"Miracolina."

"Lev."

"You do realize that the last time I met your brother in person a year ago, he threatened to kick me off a bridge if I, "laid so much as the tip of that fingernail on my dearest younger sister, EVER," as his exact words went," he recited.

"Oooh," Miracolina replied, making little snapping motions with her hand, "that happened. I remember now."

"Yeah and you just stood there reading that new book you got while your boyfriend was having his life threatened."

"It was a really good book though. _Unparted _by Neil Schustermann, read it yet? There's a lil' idiot of a character in there who acts suspiciously similar to you, too."

This time, it was Lev's turn to facepalm.

"But about my brother, don't worry, I'll make sure Matteo doesn't throw you off a bridge, or summon mythological skeleton warriors to lynch you, or hire an angry wolf-harlequin-chess piece furry to kill you, or get an evil magical ferret-cat to sell your soul, or make an army of sentient alien clothing to consume you alive, and so on," Miracolina said, counting off each of the ways on her fingers.

"The fact you can list off all those ways in an instant makes me even more afraid for my life."

"Whaaatever," she said nonchalantly, but then after considering the fact he may actually refuse continued a little more carefully: "You're still coming, right?"

"...Sure. Can't say no to a romantic walk in streets of Rome with my girlfriend, right? (Even if I may get killed afterwards.)"

Miracolina began blushing and grabbed the nearest pillow to hide her face behind. "Shut up-" she said, throwing a random piece of paper at the screen as if she was annoyed, but couldn't hold back her giggles. Lev responded by holding up her hands as if the bits of paper were actually coming to hit him through the screen.

* * *

In the meanwhile, Kele was attempting to do his algebra homework that he procrastinated on. He was in the living room but could basically hear everything Lev and Miracolina was saying in the other room. It's not like he minded, really, Lev was a good person who deserved experiences like dating and other normal stuff after all the shit he went through and he was most definitely not jealous, because he was a good student who had studies to concentrate on-

"God, you're cute."

"I'm not!"

"Yes you are, _Miracolina._"

"Shut uuuuup, _Lev._"

-Kele snapped the pencil he was holding.

Elina later found him rocking himself back and forth facing a wall. When asked what was wrong, he began sobbing and incoherently rambling something about couples and singles and the general awfulness of human beings finding mates.

Rest in fucking pieces, Kele.

* * *

**AN: This is my first attempt at writing fanfiction that doesn't look like I was high when I wrote it. Also I may try to draw illustrations for this thing, light novel style if I'm not too lazy. Enjoy. **

**(Note that I never said attempt at serious fanfiction. It's not a serious fanfic. It's not. Really.)**


End file.
